As the former wife of and current and always mother of an addict, I understand all of this. I feel sick reliving what you relive in remembrance of your reason to live in sobriety, if only because of my own illness derived from watching my own husband and youngest son be tormented by their DOC. My husband passed. My son is active in his 90 day sobriety from heroin. And I can only be proud. Of him and for you.