I am struck by the void of the mention of a real relationship with Christ. Everything you spoke about lacks the connection to a real person. I sure understand why you would have rested where you have. The true understanding of the grace of God was never brought to you for you to examine or accept, it seems. I am sorry for that, but it is still available to you. An intimate relationship with Him would cover all you struggled with and you would, then, be able to know where you are eventually headed and know who you are humanly and spiritually speaking, as he so particularly designed you.
Love to you.