THE IMPETUS OF EXISTENCE
Recognition that Self has a Supernatural Beginning, Purpose and Eternally IS.
It began coming to me at night around the age of 5, when the lights were off and everyone else in the house was asleep. It haunted every calm moment that my eyes were open when I didn’t fall right to sleep after getting into bed. I learned to mentally push away the consciousness, the reality of what was speaking to me, to my spirit.
What came to me was the awareness of my being, the resplendence of self and consequently, the reality that although my body has a definite end, my self does not. I am eternal.
But then, it was not my body’s ending I felt the weight of, but rather the understanding that the manifestation of me had a responsibility, a purpose, that I was not convinced I was capable of or that I even wanted to carry out.
My ending here on earth would catapult me to another reality, and what then? What if I spent every day ignoring this wisdom? I surmised at 5 years old, that that choice would bring unhappiness.
I was and am still overwhelmed, even overpowered, by those actualities.
For me, the first truth I acknowledged is that Someone had to have created me because I sensed a belonging to something and a power within me I didn’t and don’t know how to use or to define.
Although fear accompanied the thoughts, it was and is more of a frustration than a fear. I understood that to fully grasp and accept the verity and magnificence of my presence in the universe, I had to also welcome the ultimate coming of my demise in the body, which will lead my person, my being to another realm. That is terrifying to me.
The comprehension of such sureties forced me to address what humans throughout time have had to confront: we absolutely do not have control over our own being, except to instinctively follow or not follow in the purpose for which we were created.
Movies exemplify the soul moving from one reality to the next as a floating experience, transitioning gently, to the unknown. However, my mind at age 5 and now fears my spirit floating in white light endlessly, with the awareness that I am there but completely disconnected from anyone or anything.
WOW. That’s exactly how I feel about life right now.
Never thought about that.
As much as we plan, organize and hope for, we step into a mysterious existence every day of our lives. Death may come, horribly or passively. Wealth may accumulate or pass us by. Love most certainly is ethereal, so no eggs in that basket.
So, if I am to be born, live, breathe, love, give and plan…what does it all actually do for us in the end? What does it amount to?
I do believe in God, the Son and the Holy Spirit. I actually accepted Christ at age 5, when I began “seeing” these things in the quiet and the dark. I know Heaven and Hell are real. I believe the Bible.
However, being human, I am small in my own mind in comparison with the greatness of the Bigger Plan. I reason that attempts to grasp some control over my own destiny should include “doing things my way.” Well, that’s not been too productive.
The older I get, I see more and more of the precious things and people in my life that I cannot change or control; all I own is the power to love and honor them while they are in my circle of reality…while I am in MY circle of reality.
I also have the power to follow or not follow in the paths that are right for my existence, my destiny.
So, again, what’s it all for?
Jeremiah 1:5 (CJB)“Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; before you were born, I separated you for myself. I have appointed you to be a prophet to the nations.”
Ephesians 2:10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
I don’t always want to do good works, and it’s not to earn anything that we are called to this, but He works through humans to create the desire in us to do so. Each of us as beings are here for a reason, all for separate and very unique reasons, that in essence are intimately used to connect us with other humans.
I imagine at night, reality as one without me in it. That is impossible for me to fathom. It’s terrifying to understand that I may never have been.
“That wouldn’t have been fair, had I never been considered or created.” I think. But on a deeper, more sincere level, my spirit knows it cannot reciprocate the kind of power and love it took to bring me into being and I am full of gratitude and awe that I was made possible.
Colossians 1:16 For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him.
Time has not lessened the awesomeness of these revelations in my spirit.
I feel them stronger and deeper than as a child. My aging brings me closer to the scene mentioned above and I still detect the fear and wonder of the experience of transitioning as a temporarily bodiless being.
If you are curious as I am about your own existence and want to “feel” more and be aware of more of your own sense of being then practice often finding a quiet place, free from noise or distraction for at least 30 minutes at a time and imagine yourself as you are. Feel your own presence and the reality of your unique being. Let yourself be alone with yourself and look at yourself deeply from the inside out. Don’t focus on negative thoughts, but rather concentrate on your mind, body, capabilities, gifts, and let your mind speak to you about who it is, who you are.
Scary and humbling as it may feel, human beings need to know and accept what and who we are.
We are fearfully and wonderfully made creations with great and unique purpose.