What I wanted to be “When I Grew Up”

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Do you remember what you wanted to be when you “grew up?’ What was it? Are you doing it now? Are you who you thought you were going to be or who you wanted to be in terms of career, personality and desire?

My earliest memories of life were mainly from the age of 5. I have a few rough memories at age 2 and 3, but life as I remember it began at age 5.

I never thought back then about what I wanted in terms of a career. I didn’t mull, as the years inched on, over what I should be or work towards. I actually just joyfully lived in the moment of every day of each year of my little girl life.

What I do distinctly remember however, was having a soul deep desire to love people who were downtrodden…to raise the heads of the ones no one else cared about and lift up the people who were literally kicked to the curb. I saw no value in walking past hurting people and could not understand why anyone would hurt anyone else. It was a burning fire inside of me.

I was not old enough during those years to actually do much for anyone like that, unless they were other children, but to just watch the hurting people intently and try to reason why they were hurting, who hurt them and why.

I actually felt their pain…to the point of learning rather quickly even the answers within myself to the questions I posed above. I was born with a very special gift of reading a being. SO much so, that I could hurt and still do hurt for days, when I see sorrow in a person’s eyes, walk, and face.

I never settled myself on a certain path until my teens and there were two subjects of interests I pursued: journalism and psychology. Huh.

I wanted to help transform people early on in my journey in this world, without the entanglements of life that I saw others fall into. In the back of my mind, I could hear myself saying that I had to wait for relationships, marriage and kids because I “had a job to do.”

Be it known that there is a force in this world that does not want us to reach our destinies, nor does it want us to help the hurting.

If the answer to any of the questions posed above are the opposite to what you remember expecting of and wanting for yourself, know that each of us are born with a specific destiny that includes many, many available avenues to completing that destiny.

There is no day in our lives that cannot be the exact day that we turn our life in a different direction and immerse ourselves in the person we know we really are, separate from the demands of life and the bills and the babies and the chaos and learn how to live as who and what we were put here for.

Even knowing all this, I fell in to the exact traps I knew to avoid. Bad relationships, bad marriages, having and raising kids before I could embark on my mission, and an ensuing list of experiences that made ME the one who was forgotten and downtrodden.

Wow. That is irony perfecto.

Although I eventually became degreed in Nursing, the medical field was and is still just one tool I have utilized on my mission to heal the hurting and to offer solace to pain ridden individuals.

Another path I now work within to continue this passion is writing.

Writing is such a beautiful way to lift someone’s heart. Words on a page heal, restore, acknowledge and reveal.

Since I have been on Medium, I have discovered, in so many writers responses and in their own stories, a healing for myself in understanding I am not alone in my deep concern for my children, for where the world seems to be taking humanity without our permission, and in my worries about aging.

Humanity has been conditioned to just roll down the path of life mostly in blind submission to what and where “the world” tells us we should and should not be, do, go, think and feel. We are given so very little opportunity, even from very young ages, to explore our God-given personality, traits, likes, desires and dislikes.

I have realized of late, that no matter what avenue I take to complete my assigned mission to help restore the broken, love the unloved and help the helpless, my purpose is to be a lover of souls.

Who are you? Do you REALLY know the answer to that?

Are you aware that The Creator did not intend for you to work so hard at life? Do you know HE wants you to be happy and fulfilled and successful without tearing yourself and your families apart?

Do you know you are born to intimately know and love who you were created to be? The person taking their first breath from their mother’s womb is the same person taking their last breath on their deathbed.

Do not let the world and it’s rules, constrictions, rigid expectations and self induced time table rob you of finding yourself. Do things to find You. Stop. Turn around, go a different way than you’ve been going to discover and love the person on the inside of you.

Conversely, I have realized in the last few days, I did not have to grow up to became the person I wanted to be. I was already a lover of souls the moment I was conceived. My life thereafter was just opportunity after opportunity for me to be me…child, journalist, nurse, mom of four, new mom to a special needs grandchild, grandmother, neighbor. The pathways to love a soul are many.

Explore ways to be you. How can you express yourself? In what ways did your little child mind years ago dream of “just being?” There lies your answer.

Now, I can say that I have grown up and grown older to become what I already was: a lover of souls creatively using the tools given by God to soften another’s journey. And, ultimately, my own downtrodden heart and pain filled experiences have offered even more insight to comforting the hearts of the hurting that caught my eye first when I was a little girl.

I implore you to remember you as you knew yourself as a child. Find him or her. Be him or her at all costs. If a poorly nurtured or an abused childhood stunted your knowledge of self, then take the “me” time needed to love that child and listen to whom they tell you that they were and are.

Remember what your spirit wanted of life…and teach your families to do the the same.

Nurse, writer: medical, family, addiction and wellness. See my blog flourishmedicinehealthandaddiction.com. Published Amazon author: Of Death and Brokenness…

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